you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
