My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
