what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
