My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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