I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
