I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
