he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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