you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
