I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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