I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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