Your dad touched me again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
