between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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