when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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