How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
