someone owes me an orgasm
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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