I'm eating all of the evidence.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
