you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
