apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
