Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
