I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
