She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
