no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
