Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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