I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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