Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
