the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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