No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
