I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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