Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
