Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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