I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
