turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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