Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
