Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
