I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Drunk is not a location!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
