Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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