The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
