I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
