i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
