i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
