she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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