I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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