just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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