EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
