I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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