no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
