I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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