Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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