Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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