i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
