My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
