Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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