am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
