you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
