So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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