I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
