I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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