$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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