The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
