all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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