I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
