I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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