You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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